He can't talk or write for himself 'coz Bert's gotta bit of a problem. It's quite a big problem when you get down to the nitty gritty of it all. Problem is, Bert's gone and got himself all dead and stuff like that.
It weren't Bert's fault he got dead, it was that bloke in the asylum Bert was in before they hanged him. He pulled the lever and helped Bert get deader than he was a moment or two before.
One moment he was getting his head covered with a little black sack and a noose put around his neck and the next he was heading downwards rather sharpish just before his neck broke.
After that he started heading upward, well, his ghost did. But up in heaven they don't put up with the likes of dear old Bert and what he done to get people upset enough to make him go all dead, like. They don't like people giving angels ideas. Especially if they're as mental as Bert. And besides, God just don't need blowing up, thanks.
So then Bert started going down again, well his ghost did. But the geezer man what runs Hell wasn't that impressed with Bert either. He thinks Bert's way too mental to go anywhere near the folks toasting slowly down there - Bert might start giving them ideas. And the bloke what runs that place don't want blowing up either.
So Bert started going upwards again, well his ghost did. Bert was getting a bit pissed off with this old malarkey and put his foot down. And landed straight back here in the middle, well his ghost did. It was getting dizzy and he was getting queasy and in need of a bit of a lie down, well, his ghost was.
That all happended just after Queen Victoria signed his death warrant and had him done away with in an asylum - just in case he started giving people ideas. Oh, that and what he done to her dear old Albert, of course. Bert said it was an accident not professional negligence.
Using explosives to clear a blocked toilet while Prince Albert was sitting on his private 'royal throne' was just pure bad luck, Bert reckoned. Bert forgot there was things like pipes connected to each other which can be a problem if you've got a job like royal plummer.
But dear old Queen Vicky weren't in the slightest bit amused. That was when Bert lost his job as royal plummer (they couldn't spell proper back then, never having read a book or nothing in Victorian England and having trouble wih the letter B 'coz it was the first letter of the word Bum and that just made everyone giggle and forget what they was writing).
So Bert ended up stuck here in the middle, well, at least his ghost did. And that was when Bert started getting really mad ideas. It was there and then in 1859 when Bert made the most important decision of his death. He decided there and then to become an affiliate marketer offering affiliate marketing advice to Victorian England. So Bert set off in search of a medium to have a bit of a channel through, like.
Trouble was them there Victorians weren't quite ready for affiliate marketing advice - what with never having heard of it so they just thought the medium was mental as they'd never ever considered affilate marketing as a career choice so the medium ended up the same asylum Bert just left.
Didn't half piss Bert off, that did. Standing beside him was another ghost what had just been hanged who was looking at Bert right strangely and this new ghost didn't half look pissed off too. His name was Sir 'Ector and he had been a bit of an inventer. He invented a thingy called an interestingnet with all sorts of ropes and dangly bits. Sir 'Ector thought he'd make this net big enough to got right around the world so people could all pull on it and say hello to each other. But he ran out of string.
That gave Bert a really bright idea...He was going to become an affilaite marketer using an interestingnet just as soon as he got Sir 'Ector's ghost to invent something to put his affiliate marketers in and managed to get a bit more string.
It ended up with Bert and Sir 'Ector sitting down and waiting, and waiting, and waiting ever so much longer than the first bit of waiting. This was quality waiting this was. Better than the amateur waiting most people can only manage before they get bored and wander off in a huff.
When it comes to waiting, or queueing for tha matter, the English are well good at it. Got it down to a bit of an art have most Brits - but only the ones who specialise in waiting and write books all about waiting techniques. Some of the others are rubbish at it and have to have some music and that's just cheating if you want a proper wait.
If you've ever sat down and waited somewhere for two hundred years you'll know exactly how long Bert and Sir 'Ector waited. They waited until some bright spark somewhere went an invented an internet and that sounded close enough.
Now, as it just so happens, me personally, I ain't no medium. I'm actually no dofferent from the next man, just as long as he ain't a medium. But that don't matter to Bert. He says 'You don't need to be all psyliclick to natter o me...you just has to be clinically insane, just like all affiliate marketers everywhere.
So here we now have a new concept in affilate marketing - one we can confidently state has never been done before.
Coming to a laptop, or a big computer if you can't get hold of a proper laptop, like professional affilate marketers have all got at home.
Internet Marketing Advice From A Two Hundred Year Old Victorian Plummer.
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