INTERNET MARKETING ADVICE FROM A 200 YEAR OLD VICTORIAN 'PLUMMER'
Well, hello again. My mate, Bert, wants a chat from Imaginary-Friend-land and offer you some sound, beyond-the-sane, affiliate marketing advice 'coz no other bugger does that now, do they?
My mate Bert's gone and got himself into affiliate marketing which is a very useful occupation when you've been dead for one hundred and fifty odd years and your last real gasps of bone-fide air were taken just before you went and got yourself all hanged in an asylum. That's what used to happen in Victorian England when you blew up Prince Albert's arse.
Well, actually, he didn't blow right up Prince Albert's arse - not up close, like. It was more from a distance, like the sort of distance Bert wished he'd put between him and Queen Victoria as Albert's head came through her bedroom floor. You needed just the right kind of explosives for blowing up Prince Albert's arse and Bert had found exactly that 'coz Bert was once a plumber in the Royal Household but things went a bit askew.
Seemed perfectly reasonable to clear a drain blockage with something powerful enough to do the job, it did. Bert was gonna try it on the radiator pipeworks next, but he never got the chance. Blowing up the Prince Regent's toilet was one thing, but blowing it up while Albert was using it...well, it was indeed surprising for Prince Albert, it must be admitted. And what shot back up Albert before he, himself, shot upwards really shouldn't get a mention in any polite society.
No.1 marketing tip - Don't advertise. Whatever you do, which-ever niche you eventually decide might just, after all be a brighter idea than the last one you dreamed up - do not let anyone know you are there. What's the point?
Sound bonkers? Not when you get right down to the nitty gritty stuff and take a look at things in the proper perspective, in just the right light of day that helps you see things in the right light of day. What I mean to say is this - why advertise when you can save yourselves all that bother? Why go to all that malarkey while the pub's open, eh?
There is an added bonus to this kind of strategic planning. If you don't-advertise in just the right way, having years of experience with affiliate marketing not-advertising successes, no-one need ever know your shiney website ever existed in the first, second or even third places.
So, let's get right on down to it and let me tell you all about how to Not-Advertise properly, so you don't look a right Wally when some-one accidentally comes across your affiliate website and then see's just exactly what a pile of poo their's is.
This is an art-form in itself. Not-Advertising can be done in two ways. The first way is to simply not-advertise, but any old idiot can pull that one off without even realising - THERE IS A BETTER WAY. The way of the ancient Chinese Affiliate Marketers who sat and contemplated affiliate marketing while they invented really long walls what actually went no-where.
They completely understood 'The Not-Advertisingness Of It All' and often held four year debates about nothing in particular whilst perfecting their Not-Advertising techniques. These guys were good at it - the masters of the art.
Have you ever heard of ancient Chinese Affiliate Marketing (circa loads and loads BC)? I hadn't until recently because the internet didn't get invented until just now and there's nothing on there about it.
That show's just HOW GOOD THEY WERE at Not-Advertising, I suppose. It's truly professional Not-Advertising, that is!!
One of the main benefits of Not-Advertising is being invited to Not-Advertising exhibitions and conventions where the quality of Not-Advertising is taken to whole new levels and nobody advertises ANYTHING. How cool is that?
At last year's Not-Advertising-Nothing Festival held in Shh-Can't-Tell-You, which I've been reliably informed is somewhere near that place I can't mention in case the name's a patent or something, the festival go-ers went the whole nine yards to uphold the wonderful spirit of the occassion.
Some-one had seen an advert somewhere about Not-Advertising and asked if that was cheating. They are still there now thinking about it.
So if you don't want to get stuck in a field with a shit-load of morons remember Bert's sound advice, won't ya?
Spend as long as you like making a brilliant splash page or blog, or whatever you think of next in some vague hope of millions dropping down from the skies. Just don't advertise - then you'll have completely wasted your time.
Come back next week for some more sound and insane affiliate marketing advice when Bert goes off on one about something or other. In the meanwhile - it's wiggly fingers and wakey, wakey. Ohh, what happened?
